Espana part two: No Tiene Abuela en la Cala el Pato!!

Aqui y ahora. here and now. And what have we got?


Bouts of impenetrable contentment.of questions. answered unanswered. moments of clarity of fog. Of extreme beauty and possibility...


..of bravery of spirit. of brevity of experience.


So then...vamos empezar!

in the little car!

with the joints and the music and the views

and our deafening silence of thought.

what should we do?

"Do The Walk of Life.." (then here we go.)



Ladies and Gentleman it is my JOY and my PLEASURE to formally introduce to you:

:::: The Chivalrous Chauvinists::::
{applause applause}

(we pretty much rule)

Rockefeller:

"el flaco" the teacher, the ears, the enthusiast. el me escuche. doesnt taste his own love in the food he makes.


for whom the bell fucking tolls! lover of eating pussy.


"I'm done following my brain for a bit. It only brought me months of inner debate and sleeploss to finally arrive to where I am today: regretting not having listened to my heart 4 months ago. So, I say follow that big heart of yours"


Samson:

the loyalist, the diplomat, the romantic pensive picker...


adverse to Down's Syndrome. ties up lose ends. partial good-byes.THREE ZERO.also lover of pussy.

"In Samson's silence you can hear the wheels turning-the records in the jukebox shuffling and the needle drops on a song a memory-He speaks it- the music plays. Then back to the shuffling. He won't hold his liquor or his nut when he returns from his desert journey."


The Pirate:

the stoic, Profe, passive pro-voc-a-teur, the untamed pony. surrounded by a moat.


tantalizing and vague."knows" women. does a dance. loves acid. loves loving pussy.


Scarlett:

la mujer. the grasshopper. the budding flower. the photo journalist. gift of gab.


is ensconced in her honesty. has a pussy. a gem of one.





Pussy Pussy Pussy Marijuana


In the car on the beach peace and quiet listening to David Byrne and his songs that he wrote JUST FOR US! ("same as it ever was!") with the bota with no clothes with no cares and still with the weight of things pressed upon us..



Naked and free from the cloaks of expectation;


on the precipice of change of life on the edge of the universe,

"spinning on this giant rock out in the universe surrounded by infinity so what the fuck does anything matter anyway?" asks Samson.



talking heads sang to us a warning: "memories caaaan't waaaaait!" they reminded us "the less we say about it the better, we'll make it up as we go along..."

UNDER WHAT PRESSURE?!?!

"PEOPLE ON THE STREETS! EE DA DE DA DE!"
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
'Cause love's such an old fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure



So.....all slightly sullen, but stronger for it because these moments were shared. but the moment is already gone. now only a copy of a copy of a copy.......a game of telephone. forever changed from the original version..... although maybe able to last longer this time because it meant so much more.



I know. Another sunset. But it was MORE, you see... so much more.

{This was quite possibly the most peaceful patient sunset i have ever had the joy to witness}





It's calling me back, daring me inviting me, earnestly enticing me enchanting me.

Yo Volvere.

and i thank you.

Espana part one: La Brujula del Corozon~The Compass of the Heart

{Please Enjoy the Following
Scenes From a Life Not Yet Realized:}

Conversations With & Directions From Mythical Creatures.

Onward bound inward found with Sangria in the hills, gypsies in the cave, dancing in the streets, flamenco in their throats..

swaggers and strolls, late night drunken conversations.
entiendo:i understand .


croquettas. copas. quaint hostels.

initial mild frustrations--that impervious air!



Depending on the direction it faced, it was able to both attract and repel. like a magnet like a compass...quicksand at once, then a wind tunnel of space and privacy!

one teensy weensy aside-----
"You had to come to Madrid to find your Unicorn!"

(oh? HA! well fah-q very much! )

um excuse me but but but i remember that one night and shouldnt it mean something!?!? (oh sure sure) i remember the wanty wanty the never getty getty and doesnt that mean something!? (perhaps. maybe not what you think, though. patience young thing.)


He had a propensity toward exclusivity, toward coldness even. Able to stop, go, let in, push away, with total control and free will. Holding my hand as he slept, and only then, as if the subconscious could somehow soften this propensity.his thin fingers offering up a rare gift.

"My Time," he said, slapping his hand on his bare chest as he lay six feet away from me. "This is MY time."

Perhaps I admired his ability to maintain control, was maybe even jealous with the pride he took in his solo adventure. Why couldn't I be so bold, so righteous with a desire to be of only ONE mind and ONE heart?

Instead, I sadly longed for something warmer.



well? what the fuck happens???

Oh. No. I'm sorry to disappoint you...but the answer was always known. She did not get her Unicorn. This is the way of things. But at least, if for a moment, that elusive "unicorno" gingerly ate from her hand.


Ah ha! Brief entry into those private chambers!
And now i offer entry into my own chambers. MI DIARIO.ooh lala


DONDE ESTA MI GLORIA? Where is my heaven? Where is my bliss? what of My partner in crime?


{"Of course you'll find love! You're a lover.."}

You know how some people have a void inside of them? I have the opposite. It's a heavy aching pulsing alien life form inside me that i want to feed and share and show.. she waxes and wanes. she waits......

its gravity. its GOD. its life. she knows this. she lives this. she IS this. she LOVEs everything. people penis lips kissing drinking thinking i mean really. QUE RICO. she loves she loves she wants. she wants to be loved. she wants to be someones doll. someones star. she wants to be ADORED because she ADORES.



Is an aching heart my destiny? Is this my intuition or my fear that whispers "This is your fate." ?? Please baby jesus jah jehovah buddah dont let this be my reality. what a quiet tragic waste it would be.



Quiet. for now. breathe. and be there my friend. all of you and your little thoughts, you.
oh how you'll thank me later. wink. smile. nod. entiendes?



Entiendo.
She is learning follow the Compass of the Heart. La brujula del corazon.

Donde Esta la Playa de Nudista?

Picture this. Only instead of Scarlet Johansson, it's gonna be yours truly.

13 more days!!!! Wahooo!

I'm gonna be jobless and homeless in 13 days and I can't fucking wait!

An Ode to LL

GIRL let me assure you, LL is still fine as he wanna be!
I see him at work sometimes. I wave. He smiles. The other day I saw him grab his nuts while standing in the doorway of his trailer....he was listening to Motown. My heart melted a little. I imagined that I auditioned for this video, and then we slow motion danced in a club and everyone was oily. It could happen. Anything is possible. Dreams come true. I mean, I can walk with a switch and talk with street slang. He love it when a woman ain't scared to do her thang. Standing at the bus stop suckin on a lollipop, once she gets pumpin it's hard to make the hottie stop.


She likes to dance to the rap jam, sweet as brown sugar with the candied yams.


Honey coated complexion, using Camay (WTF is Camay? I wikipedia'd it...it's a sexy soap!)
Let's hear for my girl she's from around the way!

I'm Pro Choice: TGIF MOTHER FUCKERS!

well well well....here i am. friday night. pj's on. vino poured. an abundance of nicorette. and good-old-reliable-always-there-for-me-in-a-pinch-shit-tv. (wife swap to be exact.. one small but perfect example of whats wrong with people) oh. my. lord. BUT im pretty much in my glory. i am. i know... but its true. so what? who cares? anywho....

19 days until i leave for spain people. 19 days until i get on that large metal tube that will take me to another world. i cant fucking WAIT! that was a very important choice for me to make......going to spain. just fucking deciding to DO IT!!!!

so ive been thinking about choice and decisions and really just change lately as i often do. there's the one kind that happens to us and we cant control it or help it. it just happens. kind of like rain or an earthquake or the price of gas or diarrhea. you gotta just deal, ya know? then there is the kind that YOU create. that we can decide for ourselves. that we make for ourselves when we feel like its time to move on or shake things up or devise a challenge, etc.

right now i have both of these wonderful phenomenons going on. on one hand, the empowerment of creating my own destiny and taking my life by the balls, and on the other the kind where i fear that i wont make it home fast enough to get to the bathroom. ya dig?

ive made the decision to finally move out of the apartment ive lived in for the past year and a half. i may be poor, but at least ill have my own space. this decision had to be made. it was a quality of life issue. (YYEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!) i wonder what other kinds of changes will happen now that i made this one of my own volition?

things are also changing with my social life. ("hahaha!! social life? nice try loser you dont have one of those!!!!") even though some of it wasnt my choice per se, im ok with it.
kinda like when youre about to drop something and you try to catch it and you see it happening but its like slow motion and youre all "oohhhhhh nnnooooooo!!!!! fuuudggeeeee!!!".? well thats kinda how this went. it happened and there was nothing i could do about it. seeing as how things havent "blown over" yet..and i am starting to see that it wont....im just gonna roll with it and accept it and trust that "it will all work out in the end." in fact, i wonder what other kinds of changes will follow now that this one took place?
exciting isnt it?

in other news:



when i was 5 my whole family went to see Bruce Springsteen on his Tunnel of Love tour. i was so excited to go to my very first concert!!!! i knew all the words to the tape-side A and B. well when the big night came, what they do but drop me off at the Miller's house and pick me up looong after i had fallen asleep on the top bunk. i had no choice in the matter. the good news is, they but brought me back a grey Springsteen shirt which i still wear to bed to this day.




thats kind of what happened to me with my roommate this week. i wanted to go see Hole at the Fonda. badly. it was sold out. she went. and brought me back a tshirt. im wearing to bed tonight. sigh.


Cheers to everyone for making a hard decision! for having no control over certain matters of your life but rolling with it anyway! for realizing that you have no control over most matters in fact! cheers to Bruce Springsteen! cheers to Hole! cheers to Jamie Oliver for caring about fat kids! ( thats the shit tv thats now on as i type this) and cheers to choice! by the way i really am pro choice. very much so. and again, TGIFMF!

What's That Old Adage...?

Some of these wonderful adages, phrases, proverbs, quotations, whatever, sure have been blasting themselves into my life these past few weeks. let's see here......

Numero Uno-"Look Before You Leap"



Numero Dos-"Loose Lips Sink Ships"
Quoting peoples from my work

NOTE #1: we were originally using this one to reference the latest array of mistresses, porn stars, and other lovely ladies in the business of "homewrecking" or "getting laid" then selling their stories..get it? loose lips? awwww.)

Let this be a friendly reminder to you and lesson learned by me... it doesnt matter your intentions, your perspective, your audience, if what youre saying is true or false.. what you really need to know is when to keep your mouth shut. even among the dearest of friends.


when this fails, see this old gem used often by my mom:"Least Said, Soonest Mended."


Numero Tres-"Life's a Bowl of Berries"

(......or wait, is that cherries? whateves. same fruit family)



Numero Cuatro-"Don't Throw the Baby Out with the Bath Water"
Quoting my moms again:

ive been known on occasion to go overboard with speculative "what ifs" when things are in transition or turmoil or go to south or go to shit. and south and shit it went with a recent turn of events. during this time, i found myself, for a brief moment, questioning my whole world. like what would i do if this group of ours dis-integrated? we are all so close! arent we? this cant happen! they are like my family! what will i do? where will i go? and why do i live here? why am i working this job? what is it that i really want to do with my life? shouldnt i be traveling to africa and helping orphaned babies with HIV?!? but how will i survive out there? how will i make money? i cant leave what i started here! but cant i? what should i do? where should i go? why is the sky blue? why? why? why? (you get the point.)
Susan told me not to "throw the baby out with the bathwater...." not to throw out the good with the bad....and i choose to listen to what she tells me more often than not.

NOTE #2: "Don't Put The Cart Before the Horse" is also applicable in this scenario.


Numero Cinco-"You Win Some You Lose Some"/"There Are Many Fish in the Sea"/"Fuck It, He Probably Sucks in the Sack"
Quoting a true champ--myself:

if you just so happen to learn that your pretend boyfriend just so happens to live with his not pretend girlfriend, (who is probably a tri-lingual model) try not to sweat it or take it personally. people are cute and youll have crushes on them. big deal. its not the end of the world....and sometimes these things are just best left to the imagination.....(i mean..i guess...right?....)


Numero Seis-"Lambs Go To Slaughter, Men Know When to Walk Away"
Quoting "the Greek"--from my latest obsession, HBO's The Wire:

OH MY GOD THIS SHOW IS SO LEGIT!!!!!!! Bidness... Always bidness. muh fucka don't be messin 'round wit no eastside niggas bes he get got. nah mean? Omah comin! ...

This show has somewhat influenced my vernacular AND i am now a part of the secret club of "Those That Have Watched The Wire."

NOTE #3: "Those That Have Watched The Wire" is not a commonly used adage even though it textually appears as the other examples i have used.


Numero Siete-"Blondes Have More Fun"


***A Bonus and maybe my favorite:

Youth is Wasted on the Young.

quoting george bernard shaw. but also probably an older woman with pearls and an accent. or an old man in a hospital bed.

i used to think this was too.. cynical. and maybe it is. but i still like it.

Im gonna get a new camera before Espana. I decided that today. I give myself permission to treat myself because i work hard and i deserve it. The End.

Shit That's Fuckin Awesome...

i know ive been truant from the blog world for a while. sorry bout that yall.. ive been working my balls off these days as a PA.. its been like .. wake up early drive there pick this up drop that off listen to NPR get road rage settle down have some coffee drop these off pick those up stop by here go over there see a homeless person see a celebrity go to the gas station listen to NPR listen to Beach House listen to Lady GaGa listen to James Brown talk on the phone yell at someone who is talking on the phone eat lunch get my bag forget some shit drive around go home sleep wake up early do it again etc etc etc... buuut..... it afforded me a plane ticket to SPAIN!!! and its been fun and hilarious and crazy as well.. in many many ways.....

ill maybe post more about that later.. or maybe i wont. because what else is there to say? but for now.. ill just share with you some shit thats fuckin awesome.



dont be a loser. take the time to read this .. its the truest thing i have read in a long long time.

bob marley: athlete, musician, cunnilingus master? id bet money on it.



ive said this on more than several occasions in the past few months.

well its sunday. i debated on a hike after i worked the market.. decided to indulge in the rest of my roommates open bottle of wine instead. so what?

what the fuck? i hope that helicopter thats been circling for ten minutes gets that guy.. hes probably hiding in my backyard right now.

oh well..who cares?


dear terry richardson: i dont care that you are obsessed with your penis. if i had a penis that large i would be obsessed with it too. i dont even care that a model came forward saying you insisted she should take her tampon out and use it like a teabag for a photo shoot because it would be artsy.. i still think you rule and i would totally pose nude for you. but i wouldnt touch that dick with a ten foot pole.

dita von teese is fuckin all the way awesome.

i dont give a shit how strange and scary his character was in No Country For Old Men. id bang javier in half a heartbeat.

ontheotherhand..some shit thats not awesome....




so its just came out that this mother fucker has been allegedly cheating on his wife with some gross chick. ( i didnt call her a whore, but i can say shes gross) am i surprised? yes. do i care? yes. why???? i dont fucking know. i guess i feel bad for a woman who has worked really hard to win an oscar (she probably didnt deserve but who cares) and she made their love so PUBLIC.. and now shes probably getting an HIV test and eating air for dinner, sick as a dog with grief. makes me feel safe to be alone i guess....and im sick of hearing about dudes letting their massive egos contribute to the downfall of their relationships. then again, this is hollywood, where everyone is more or less a creep so who really cares????


ok sorry back to shit thats fuckin awesome..



frida kahlo is a badass bitch and an artist i like. great movie too..

ive been playing this little gem in the car lately too. a favorite of mine in middle school i would wear red lipstick and play a guitar in the mirror while this cd played. yeah courtney love is crazy. but i guess im loyal, what can i say?


WOW! so i just did my "review" of the shit i have just written over the past twenty minutes.. and i dont know whats going on.. but im just feeling sassy today maybe. hahahha maybe its the wine.. maybe its the Lady GaGa.. or maybe im just not censoring myself ..and im not so serious.. i like writing blogs that are really heartfelt and thought provoking and meaningful with all these words words words.. but right now.. images and shit that i think is fuckin awesome is more important to me than past regrets i cant let go of or worries i have about the future or shit i said that i wish i didnt. sometimes its just nice to look. and laugh. and love.