dear diary

singing.
howling.
howlin wolf!
honda.
fiona.
F R E E .
queen....
queens of the stoneage.
when we cried
(that)
it had died.



punk?
no, drunk.
smoking.
in "my prime"
my sad.



in the shower the other night. steamy little corner in my freezing little house. listening to lana.del.rey.
toni came home came in unexpededly. "this is SO bad," he said. i thought to myself, " how do i translate ::: dude! i like her music. it stays in my head and i want to listen to it! she makes me feel sad, sexy, good and I THINK SHES GOOD! all those fucks that are giving her shit? who gives a fuck. oh, shes not a feminist?!?!?! um, maybe you should take her lyrics as like, um, sarcasm? does she think watching that drunk asshole play video games is really for real amazing?

but he only meant THE sTEAM in my COMPUter was SO bad.


"""
oh.

"...This is my idea of fun
Playing video games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
""
she says.


Yea ... i get you girl. haters gonna hate.


on the corner today. a woman in her wheelchair.
head titled way the fuck back.
face in the sun.
hand on her dog.
living
and enjoying
her life.



the old mystic into the intimate.reminiscence. gave me a crisp flashing snap of RightNow. and i freaked out.



just light that candle! just chill the fuck out! give that man a hug and play your music. chill the fuck out lady cause THAT'S how the life.goES! ohhhhhhhhhhhhhifinally took a breath right NOW!.


it smells like cinnamon. !!

Chew Up, Spit Out

I think what we all really fear is death. or maybe just the end of something. or rejection. oh how many times have i felt this sting? (well.....countless......)

pining for the ones we think we love and yet obviously don't or won't love us in return.

a job. a friend. rejects us. we fail. we hurt. we hate ourselves. we feel shame.

but for me:i feel fear. for those times in which i feel THE most happy in my life, i think, will betray me .lie to me. will leave me. we don't HAVE these times OWN these times. get to keep them for ourselves in a box in a frame in our brain untainted forever blissful. the happiness and joy may in fact come to a screeching halt and THIS is what had plagued me for years. when someone tells you I LOVE YOU NOT. WTF do you do?

I felt silly in the theater crying over this scene. It's beautiful and lovely and sexy ... and sad. WHY???




because i fear(ed) i would never have it . because i want(ed) it so badly. and i am(was) afraid if i ever DID have it it would betray me leave me wanting more like a hungry cat .its beauty pains me. and for this i have almost always associated love with pain. i don't think love is happiness. i think is fucking HURTS me. but its a thing i fear MORE that i just cant live without... and have to learn how to take the risk and know that loving may hurt. may leave me hungry. but how sweet the berry is in spring time. how rich the juice of life of love of sex and pain.

they are in actuality

and always will be

one in the same.

Genius of Love

"What you gonna do when you get outta jail?
(im gonna have some fun)"
"What do you consider fun?
(fun, natural fun!)




those hummingbirds are words pouring from my jaws. like little things. so small. so mighty. inflection.influence.incongruence.intrigue.

"There's no beginning and there is no end. Time isn't present in that dimension"


three ways to know someone. uno.the people you know that you will always know. five years. two months. one week. the same.doesnt matter. dos.those that you know like the back of your hand, like your right shoe, like your pillowcase...... for the moment. the pauses they take in the way they speak. the rhythm of their breath as they are sound asleep. the place where the food will stick in the crevasses of their teeth. and then. nothing. who are they what are they thinking of, listening to, writing about, working on. did they laugh today? are they secretly sad? do they think of you? what do they remember? and what in the world do we do with these little hummingbirds? these pieces?

why you wanna know? because of the holes in every single pair of socks that i own?

my gift from portugal. (socks are on the cheap over there) how lucky am i to have all these socks? arent they pretty? who needs diamonds? i need bunion beautifiers!



(asturias, spain. rich beauty. palpable depths.)


tres. those who are momentary strangers and yet somehow you see a glimpse of it all in an instant. you have their number, baby!

"Tell me what you think you are. who you are. why you are here."
uh...

well...

its not that easy. i mean i know myself...but to have to explain it in words.....

que diceeeee???? say whaaaaaatt?

i dare you to ask someone that you know like the back of your hand, like your fingernails, or who is a stranger or who is a sister or a mentor or someone you just met:

How do you see Yourself?

you learn .....new things.important though is what they usually leave out omit deny of themselves........what they DONT see in themselves. thats the best most revealing part. that, somehow, miraculously, you may know them better than they know themselves! {oh my gawd im in the rabbit hole arent i??? HAHAHHAHAHAH yeaaa!!!!}



They were shooting a film or something of the sort outside my apartment today. it made me miss production. i picked out the wardrobe peeps, the scripty, the PA, the DP, the grips. they are all the same everywhere you go i guess. ill get back to that shit. i know it. i know it i know it.

"Tu no hablas ingles, y yo casi hablo espanol..pero me encanta cuando hablamos."
(you dont speak english, and i almost speak spanish. but i love when we talk.)
"Y yo tambien."
(me too.)

he told me about this line ..and the three points that connect to one another to make this line. the past. the present. the future. nothing is a coincidence. where i was and where i am are showing me where i am going. i can pretend not to know to be oblivious or i can humbly accept the truth the fact that i KNOW why i am here and what i am here for and what i am. i am love.



"Stepping to a rhythm of a kurtis blow.Who needs to think when your feet just go? (Bohannon, Bohannon, Bohannon)




"Well hes the ge-ni-us of loooove"



THE GIRLS CAN DO IT , TOO YA'LL!!!!!!!

The "E.V.O.L"ution of an exploration and documentation of a whole new nation.

Lets talk about L.O.V.E. and the E.V.O.Lution of that there of........shall we?


while i cant be positive... i may in fact be falling into some sort of cryptic seismic scientific gravitational pull of love. is pluto really not a planet anymore? what the hell is it?


for me (para mi)

the smelll at first. enchanting. drunken.. oler~to smell. here and there a thought una pensamiento.... nothing more.certainly nothing less...

its science. its chemical. its the fantastic fatasmo of the beautiful trait of fate.


when he told me there is no fear only love. and couldnt tell me a time where his heart hurt i didnt believe him at first.

next day. brushing my teeth. face in mirror. my realization.

HA! i was choosing fear accepting fear creating fear so i could stay in the warmth of the lie that it will protect me.

i choose NOW to open myself . to release fear for what it is: air, nothing!!! into the wind. so long farewell and adios..........and then....

the liquid crystal.....free falling into an ABISMO of destiny.
where the sun and the moon share the light and never leave us in the dark.



rico= rich cara= face. cara rica.

the lines around his eyes.. the juxtaposition of the teeth. ..
smiling.. always.. as if he knows the secret and wants to share it with you......green eyes like the forest like the hills like the promise of new life in the spring.
his mind /his mente/ he cried tears of joy freely and lovingly.

the fixer the magician the knower of things.
the lover of all. dancing painting. here. here .

i think i am falling down this abyss but its not scary. its lovely. and freeing.

and i finally feel the burn of it again.. slowly from the inside. somewhere deep. gaining momentum and coming through me every way it can.



reina sofia?

Life Is Beautiful.

Buon giorno, Principessa!

Guido: I forgot to tell you.
Dora: Go ahead.
Guido: You can't imagine how much I feel like making love to you. But I'll never tell anyone, especially not you. They'd have to torture me to make me say it.
Dora: Say what?
Guido: That I want to make love to you - not just once, but over and over again! But I'll never tell you that. I'd have to be crazy to tell you. I'd even make love to you now... right here for the rest of my life.


Don't know, don't care.

"I was born a poet, lived as air.. my lips showed me the way."

fuck it. mail it.

Self Deprecation Kills. Comedy isnt worth it.Youre great without the digs the dogs. Be you and dont berate.

be you. come on.

fuckaduck why not right?

(sorry.cant help it. i cry.so what sir?)


i always miss you my love. everyday.i talk to you. you dont know it. im on the metro. im with her im with him and i study and i am thinking i am busy all the while ..i am out of sight i am out of mind i am a figment i am a fragment i am a fig newton. mmmmmmm.....




if you lean your head in far enough youll hear me talking to my baby my image my assured my confident my confidant......my stranger, out of sight out of mind i have a headache i have a heartache




i love i hurt i want i am i am i am i am you me us forever always from the past and always i love you think of me. beauty kills keep it in mind. hug me. wink. laugh fish flower kiss. me. B

no shit.

GUESS WHAAAAT?!?!?!?!

Snoopy and I are going to live in SPAIN!!!!!

(i should really get rid of those boxers. they were an ex boyfriends. i mean really. but they have little alligators playing little saxophones on them!)

Snoopy is TOTALLY ready. See? He's practicing his flying right this minute.

Me? I'm ALMOST ready. I mean, I think....Can't you tell?

Whateves. We'll be FINE. We got this shit.

I told him we"ll be amazed and be amazing.
He smiled back in agreement like he always does.

Layla & Other Love Songs

I found this in my basement while going through all my worldly possessions this week. I first read it in a writing class during college and it has always stuck with me... If you like Derek and the Dominos or even if you don't, please enjoy:





Key To The Highway

I remember riding somewhere in a fast car
with my brother and his friend Jack Brooks
and we were listening to Layla & Other Love Songs
by Derek & the Dominos. The night was dark,
dark all along the highway. Jack Brooks was
a pretty funny guy, and I was delighted
by the comradely interplay between him and my brother,
but I tried not to show it for fear of inhibiting them.
I tried to be reserved and maintain a certain
dignity appropriate to my age, older by four years.
They knew the Dominos album well having played the cassette
many times, and they knew how much they liked it.
As we rode on in the dark I felt the music was,
after all, wonderful, and I said so
with as much dignity as possible. "That's right,"
said my brother. "You're getting smarter," said Jack.
We were listening to "Bell Bottom Blues"
at that moment. Later we were listening to
"Key to the Highway", and I remembered how
my brother said, "Yeah, yeah." And Jack sang
one of the lines in a way that made me laugh.
I am upset by the fact that that night is so absolutely gone.
No, "upset" is too strong. Or is it.
But that night is so obscure—until now
I may not have thought of that ride once
in eight years—and this obscurity troubles me.
Death is going to defeat us all so easily.
Jack Brooks is in Florida, I believe,
and I may never see him again, which is
more or less all right with me; he and my brother
lost touch some years ago. I wonder
where we were going that night. I don't know;
but it seemed as if we had the key to the highway.

~Mark Halliday

{Most things that are so dear to us precious to us are in fact fleeting...moments of joy, pangs of love, meandering car rides, youth in general. more often than not, if we are still and are so inclined to be aware, we can usually FEEL it and know it in our bones, slow motion like, that we will remember and recall these passing moments of our life for ages to come. and how often is it that music is involved, providing the proverbial soundtrack... you hear the song years later and are brought back to that moment in an instant. i think of these times in my life and the music that carried itself along the ride with me.... and i know i have loved them all. like when we painted my moms basement and listened to Outkast"s "The Love Below" all afternoon, or when we rode back from the beach listening to Damian Marley's "Halfway Tree" and i pretended to be asleep in the back, a fly on the wall, dancing in my kitchen in oregon to Sublime with three girls i will never see again, those feelings those songs those times all gone and all the while right here }