I don't know exactly, but let me think on it.....
Scene A.Interior. Night. A crowded bar. She sits with a drink, deep in thought:
wow. im heavy with the weight of my past in this room. claustrophobic even. i want to stay but i want to go. run out the door and down the street. im not home here but this is my home. i want to move away go away and let the past go go go but i am attached to it and fear it will follow me forever.a little history..a little too much history. so much unspoken between us.fuck a duck look at this place. we cant even see sneak a peak .so many people from my past that i have hurt who have hurt me who knew me and know me and see me as a stranger as a friend as a lover as a free spirit as a slut as a heartbreaker as heartbroken. or do they? what do they see? we never really know how people see us so what does it matter? its none of our business, right?..this is overwhelming. the pain, the love lost, the changing of the guards... still so much left unsaid. "yes i'll have another glass of wine, please."and his guitar that guitar that guitar and that heart and that soul and it slides you up up away on the neck on the musical scale of our past our present our future. old songs bringing me back to then but i open my eyes and i am now. i am here.
"But these people keep on moving, and that's what tortures me..."
These were the thickly coated feelings i felt on my body on my brain only days before.old layers of paint. peeling in places but the colors remained.. a scene which took place when i hadnt yet realized the potential of moving forward because i wasnt allowing it myself. see now i know it wasnt the others who were slowly steadily applying the coats. it was me. it is me. i have the paint brush i have the power. what will happen now that i am given this whole palette of potential. ill give you a clue: THINGS CHANGE! everyone has to agree to let everyone else just BE. and thats when the magic happens. the change.
Joseph Campbell tells us: "It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure."
Well we surely started down that abyss together but somewhere lost each others hands. every man for himself! but we looked around the table tonight and saw what was laid out before us: the whole color spectrum. all possibilities.
if we are to allow ourselves to grow and change we have to let others be themselves for who they have grown into now. that way we are all on the same canvas. tonight i think it was obvious that we have collectively let the past go. we are simultaneously painting a picture of our present and future and genuinely want the best for each other....so much history, yes, but that is precisely what makes it that much more amazing to be free from the past. from ourselves. with only love.
Though I don't know what Dolly Parton would necessarily do, she might sing me this:
“I will shed the sins and struggles, I have carried all these years. And I'll leave my heart wide open, I will love and have no fear.”
Oh yeah and one more thing. to all those men. those dogs those dirty thinking with dick tongue wiggling dogs. to the dudes dicks dogs, the whole lot of em, the cheating the married the flaky the creepy the arrogant the assholes the emotionally unavailable the too much information the no call backs the call too much-ers the pencil me in-ers the dont get the hint-ers: good bye. good day. go away. no thank you. i dont want your dick. i dont want your date . i dont want you. im going to spain to write a novel and drink wine and dance and live my adventure. and it feels pretty damn good dont it?
XOXOXO
