"Leave me now, return tonight.....the tide will show you the way...."

(above lyric taken from bjork's "bachelorette"...a theme perhaps?)

Today i am whole and complete.ive spent a few days reflecting on where i am who i am what im doing who i spend my time with , etc. this past weekend i visited an old dear friend in san clemente. she made me MADE ME get out in the water with her surfboard. i think i said something like "um, im really apprehensive about this" as she strapped the leash around my ankle..it was heavier than i thought and i felt awkward getting on top of it.. i didnt know what the fuck i was doing and i have to admit was a little scared.but with her help, i rode three waves in on my stomach in a duration of about ten minutes. it was like a fuckin rocket! so powerful! i was glad i did it... its been a while since i got out of my comfort zone like that.

arent they pretty?


going to those kinds of beach towns is calming and refreshing for me.....getting out of the city.. relaxing .but at the same time...theres something that makes me somewhat sad or full of longing when i leave them. i dont know why. (everyone is super fit and hot down there! haha maybe thats why! and its a whole different world.) shes getting married in three months and is madly and crazy in love with her man. (trust me, this girl deserves it all, too. im so happy for her.) maybe its not sadness that i was feeling as i left her in sunday, but rather i was being somewhat pensive about the different places in our lives that she and are in. the common thing between us for sure is the small and solid group of friends that we have cultivated since migrating from michigan to california. its our family! she has hers, i have mine, and we still have each other.

when the work week began i was reminded of how grateful i am to be able to do what i do and how much more confident im becoming in the way i handle my job. the other day i was on stage waiting for a delivery and i (jokingly) asked some grips if i could help them out. they took me up on it and had me grap a rope on a pully to help raise this giant curtain to the cieling. after the count of three, i pulled my rope up (and subsequently released some, ah, frustration) someone told me:

damn youre strong! (pause) you need a man!
we laughed and i said tell me about it...
he asked me how old and seemed surprised when i told him.
Oh youre a grown ass woman! (you calling me old?)
No, not at all.. youre just grown.

his somewhat humorous observation helped to solidify and validate what i feel about myself.
i am exactly where i need to be ....

(If i may digress, one of the things i like the most about my job is how much i laugh. there are layers upon layers of inside jokes. from the shiny tits lady who struts around on her lunch break, to the pizza hut delivery guy from Africa who attempts to win me over by dancing to "billy jean" outside of his car when he brings me the thirty pizzas ive ordered, to secretly photographing mullets that words couldnt describe, there is always a good balance of business and pleasure...)

like this--what a gem!

i am soon to be 27 years old and ive made some jokes over the past few weeks that im getting old...someone was even kind enough to post this sign on my wall!


what i realize is that im not getting old, but rather comfortable with who i am and where i am. right now more than ever i am experiencing that what you are thinking and feeling about yourself is projected out into the universe and it comes right back at you..

kinda like how i felt about the surfboard in a way. i didnt know what the fuck was gonna happen or what i was supposed to do.. but i surrendered and i went with it....the tide showed me the way.

"Pleasure Principle"

I AM SOMEWHAT SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED


......SOMEWHAT, OK?

"Ch-Ch-Changes"

Alas..it is FALL... my favorite of seasons... funny thing is, being here in California, i now know what people mean when they bemoan "but there arent any seasons out there......"

Here is what i think today:



Fall has always been somehow more weighty, more meaningful to me...close to my heart. to me it signifies both the beginning and the end of something, an inevitable change, reluctance and readiness, color and chill.....life and death.......

see the beauty in change?

but here.. with no changing colors as a signal, or cool breezes to allow us to prepare, it seems that things are changing for many of those that are around me this Fall.. with no warning and no forgiveness. Many people are coming around to realizations that they have been putting off, some sweethearts may be falling out of love, families are grieving those have reluctantly lost their battles to sickness--my friends are mournful and aching from these changes....most of them had no breeze or bright colors to warn them that a shift was on the horizon...and, yet, life changes, and when drastically, it happens whether you are ready or not, with no apology.

i was born in the Fall.... i feel and know a great connection to the autumn months so much so that i had them marked permanently on my body. a constant reminder to me that those vibrant colors are always there! and always will be....that change always happens, that it may hurt, but you can always somehow, miraculously take that pain.. It is passing....cyclical...expect it and accept it! beauty is somehow always lurking behind the transformation...though fleeting it may be.



but i miss the colors this year. i miss that breeze that blows in the late afternoon that signals to us the days are shortening and life is pulling the leaves from the trees. i can almost smell that shift in there air when it is Fall in Michigan... the traditions of cider mills, afternoon drives, of pulling out sweaters, preparing ourselves for the transition. this fall is different somehow.

i do feel though that even after the leaves that fall, when some are saddened by or feel betrayed by this shift...that the piles of leaves gather, and if you look close enough, and try as you might.....


you may be able to see the small smile, a glint of hope and promise behind those changing colors...that happiness awaits if that is what you seek. no matter how hard they try to cling to the trees, that the leaves fall, for this they must...

im drunk assholes

DISCLAIMER: Ok. Today is Sept 12th...I just read my post from last night..I want to apologize right now for offending you if you fall under any or all of these following categories:

1. those who think its inappropriate to post such remarks on the date of September 11th
2. those who find the topic of sexual harassment (and more specifically the Supreme Court hearing of the Anita Hill/Clarence Thomas case) to be a serious matter and not something to make fun of
3. those who do not drink alcohol or agree with the statement that "wine rules"
4. those who prefer to use "LOL" over "HAHAH"
5. those who do not find it funny or fun that i repeatedly refer to anyone reading this as an "asshole"
6. those who actually hung out with me last night and refrained from kicking me in the shin

(i almost deleted it, but self censorship is so passe...please try not to judge me)







HAHHAHAHAHAHA

Remember when Anita Hill said that Clarence Thomas sexually harassed her when he asked her "who put a pubic hair on my Coke can?" (among other things)


HAHHAHAHHA

Maybe im just drunk but dont you think that's KIND of funny? (its NOT funny assholes!) i mean what the fuck was he thinking?!!

HAHHAHAHA oh man.. (it kind of is funny right now even though i said im a feminist)

im at my friends house, listening to music and drinking wine and maybe should NOT be on the computer but fuck it... theres a bunch i want to say.. like how its FALL ... ok i wil save this shit for when I AM not drunk.. hahahhah i am listening to my friends do dishes.... i love them.

i will report back when i dont have to make so many corrections. i love you all . peace. fuck yall. wine rules. HAHHAHA oh man.......they are asking me what i am doing and i said "shut up"

thats not nice. HAHHAH ok enough laughing. Im drunk assholes.


(ps i was laughing to myself and i was told to quiet down... its not even that late.. but maybe i should.... HHAHAH life is good...)

"Flashes From Memory Lane"

Fuck yea! Ewoks!!!!!


She-Ra was my hero in '86.


perhaps 1993 was a little early for me to watch this movie (at least my dad kind of covered my eyes..)


staying up late in my jammies watching this video's premiere... i was mesmerized. and kind of confused..


kurt cobain's suicide made me feel somehow older than i actually was.....

"Don't You Know That You Are A Shooting Star?"

"Don't get set into one form, adapt it and build your own, and let it grow, be like water. Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless — like water. Now you put water in a cup, it becomes the cup; You put water into a bottle it becomes the bottle; You put it in a teapot it becomes the teapot. Water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend."

(no big deal, just badass)

shes one Fit Feministe!!!




the gift of tongues

"Slow For Me, My Island"

(lyrics from the new album of my latest love, Dappled Cities)

Hopefully my island will be the one I wanted it to be

Built around virgin milestones to be the one I wanted it to be

Sounds that I have learnt

Sounds that I recall but I've never heard

Write for me my biography

To tell the things I never got to be

Simple things like Islands

Simple things like feeling safe with me

While most of this was silent o

Most of it was slow for me

Building up my island saves me from idle mistakes

Being gay for celebration saves me from this disappearing trace

And I used to wake up and be disappointed

That all the things I wanted to be were slow for me and my island

But stay true in your bandaged way


Tonight my friend and i treated ourselves to a wonderful dinner, just because, and had some needed face time. the conversation was flowing...a little of me, a little of her... some past tense, some future tense....we talked about the new Dappled Cities album and what the songs meant to us in our present tense... for dessert we shared the best banana cream pie with a brownie crust this side of the mississippi..i am full, happy, and tired....tonight i am very content with ALL OF IT. thanks for your love and support Badger...

ps..one of the lines we discussed was a part that says "measure my distance from the sun, and times it by your distance from the sun." Now Badger if you read this, which im sure you will, the name of the song is The Answer is Zero.... does it mean then that the distance may seem far away but its not? think of how our past, present, and future tense all relate to one another... they seem so far away, but really the distance is nothing at all.... its Zero.

"Mother Superior jumped the gun"

courtesy of NASA



i have looked at so many images of the fires that are blazing out of control here...isnt it amazing that something so destructive and unforgiving can also be beautiful and breathtaking?

i considered taking that picture down that i posted last night with Stage 28 behind me. i dont know why. i figured if it had anything to do with vanity, which im not sure that it does, that i should in fact leave it up. so it stays. i think its the look in my eyes. i now think that its funny for some reason. in fact, im laughing and i dont know why. guess thats not a bad thing, huh?

think ill head out of town this weekend.......
maybe ill start to write more..
i need to read a new novel...
im pissed at my landlord...
whats that smell?
do i need to get my oil changed?
i need new glasses.. maybe ill go on friday..
im happy RV has a boyfriend...
im happy that CK might not.....
am i getting wrinkles?
whats wrong with this picture?
what should i have for breakfast?
what should i have for dinner?
i forgot to call DP back...like two weeks ago.
ive been in the bad habit of starting to write a post on here, then not finishing it, with the intention of coming back to it.. but by the time i do, im over it.. perhaps i should just post as is?
OR
perhaps i can do what the Beatles did with the song Happiness is a Warm Gun... its quite possibly my most favorite Beatles song....maybe you want to listen to it.?

Tenth Avenue Freeze Out!

(im smiling here......)


my job is pretty sweet.... even though i couldnt sleep this weekend because i was so stressed about it, i have a good feeling now.
im so grateful to be where i am.
(the beers at the pub around the corner after the show also eased my worries.)

good night all. im thinking of you.