I think what we all really fear is death. or maybe just the end of something. or rejection. oh how many times have i felt this sting? (well.....countless......)
pining for the ones we think we love and yet obviously don't or won't love us in return.
a job. a friend. rejects us. we fail. we hurt. we hate ourselves. we feel shame.
but for me:i feel fear. for those times in which i feel THE most happy in my life, i think, will betray me .lie to me. will leave me. we don't HAVE these times OWN these times. get to keep them for ourselves in a box in a frame in our brain untainted forever blissful. the happiness and joy may in fact come to a screeching halt and THIS is what had plagued me for years. when someone tells you I LOVE YOU NOT. WTF do you do?
I felt silly in the theater crying over this scene. It's beautiful and lovely and sexy ... and sad. WHY???
because i fear(ed) i would never have it . because i want(ed) it so badly. and i am(was) afraid if i ever DID have it it would betray me leave me wanting more like a hungry cat .its beauty pains me. and for this i have almost always associated love with pain. i don't think love is happiness. i think is fucking HURTS me. but its a thing i fear MORE that i just cant live without... and have to learn how to take the risk and know that loving may hurt. may leave me hungry. but how sweet the berry is in spring time. how rich the juice of life of love of sex and pain.
they are in actuality
and always will be
one in the same.
