"A Horse is a Horse, Of Course, Of Course.."

I love horses. I always have and I know I always will. To me, there is just a better view of the world when you're sitting on the back of a horse..

Being around horses can soothe and calm me, almost put me in a trance..it is also somehow bittersweet and sad for me in many ways. I was always close, yet so far away from them....The memories of horses I have from my childhood evoke both a sense of innocence and loss that has taken me some time to understand...

The first horse to be an actual member of our family was left to us in His Last Will and Testament. I was excited. I was heartbroken. He was our friend. He committed suicide. Confusion takes it's forms when you are 6.


"Childhood living, is easy to do...the things you wanted.. I bought them for you...."

Oh how they smell of sweet summer and sawdust! The way their coarse mane can capture the warmth of the sunlight in them so that when you bury your face in it, you are almost a part of them..the sounds of the swish in their tales and the chomping on hay...the slow rhythm of the clip, clop, clip, clop of their gate..LOVE I tell you. I LOVEd them...

And boy, there wasn't anything in this world I wanted more than a horse of my own. I read books about horses, had calendars of horses, drew pictures of them, dreamed of riding horses, did reports in school about horses, pretended I was a horse as I played in my backyard..

I watched with longing as my sister rode them, loved them, had them in the palm of her hand.

"The squeaky wheel gets the grease," my mom told me. She had trouble in school and trouble out of school. Trouble followed her like a shadow but faded when she was around horses. "Your sister needs this and we can barely afford it for one for her as it is......"


So in those days I took what I could get. I used a little ingenuity and thrift as I ran around the barn waiting to be offered a ride, a couple of hours with someone elses horse..anything! I would get on any horse someone put in front of me. I trusted these Beasts completely.

So yes sometimes it was my turn.....But when I rode them it was never often enough..If I had them in the palm of my hand, it was never for long enough. I was always left feeling unsatiated and wanting more. Time changes these things. It heals. It is never enough.

I loved, I longed..I had, I never had...It hurt, it felt good..Such contradictions....

"Wild horses...we'll ride them someday.."

Contradictorious!! (It's a word. It's a noun..I swear)

POR EJEMPLO:

Patient. beautiful..


Feminine...


Masculine..


Wild and free..


Wild and FUCKING and free, man!


Fierce. powerful


Heroic..loyal.gentle


Sexy..


Achingly dear..


fantastical..memory.magic



alright alright..maybe that was a little too too for you?.

Let's lighten the mood, shall we? Here's a tune off the 1975 debut album from Patti Smith called "Horses."

She's a total bad ass...and also somewhat of a contradictory artist if you ask me......wahooooiee!!

"Mmmm... Cherry Wine..."

The year was 1986. I had recently discovered Wet 'N Wild lipstick (for both lips and cheeks), played with my Barbies in the bathtub, dressed up as and pretended to be She-Ra, and ate Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup almost on the daily.

I was four. I was cool. I was in my glory.

The song "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" was #5 on the charts and #1 in my heart.

While I thought it was obvious that you didn't have to take your clothes off to have a good time, (unless it meant taking them off to get into the tub to play with Barbies, or taking them off to get into She-Ra attire) I did develop a hankering for this mysterious "Cherry Wine."

It sounded delicious!

Twenty four years later I decided to YouTube this little jammer.

Aaaannd... WTF?

I could NOT believe my eyes...You mean to tell me ...

That the singer...

This whole time...

Was...

A DUDE??!?!?!?!?!?!

"Ain't I a Woman?"

There is a great stir about colored men getting their rights, but not a word about the colored women; and if colored men get their rights, and not colored women theirs, you see the colored men will be masters over the women, and it will be just as bad as it was before. So I am for keeping the thing going while things are stirring; because if we wait till it is still, it will take a great while to get it going again. -- Equal Rights Convention, New York, 1867


Thank you, Sojourner Truth. And Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day.

Mi Media Naranja

I met her in the 7th grade. I was 12.. She seemed light years beyond the rest of us; already 13 for a month when school began. Right away, I noticed her in class. Eyeliner, high ponytail, a striking profile. I wanted to be her friend. "So you're from Poland?" she asked. "No, Boulan," I corrected.."It's a school."
Time passed, school bells rang, she had the most tardies......we were growing up. Always the most kind, always the littlest, our middle ground, the solid friend, the go-to........

In high school she met a boy. After school she would drive past him on his bike, she was light years beyond him, 16 before any of us... They liked each other. They loved each other. They hated each other. They loved each other. They missed each other. They infuriated each other. They hurt each other. They needed each other. They loved each other. They sacrificed for each other... And this continued in a dance, in a spiral, in a tornado, in a dream for years. They left each other. They returned to each other.

To say that she's simply my best friend doesn't explain it enough. She is the best version of me, she is giving, devoted, she is fiercely loyal...Knows who she is and what she believes in. She is hilarious, goofy, diplomatic, voluptuous, tiny, stubborn, fantastic.

And now, she is simply not happy. In fact, to say that doesn't explain it enough. She has been waiting......patiently...and hurting and is frustrated..Something is missing from her heart. What is it? Where is it? When? When is it coming? Where will I find it? She has sacrificed and worked and dreamed and waited. She still waits.

She loves her Grandfather in a way that I admire and will never know what is like for myself .. She misses her Grandmother with sense of calm acceptance, one component to her void.


Lately she remembers the days before, when she was light years beyond us and them, when she was happy and free..sure of herself...calm and content. ..If her memory serves her well, she may think of this:

Oh the infamous July 2007.


..we were like "this.."


While she lived in this room, which was actually my closet, we had a ball! There wasn't much actual sleeping going on that summer..

but there was a little of this...

and a little of that...well a LOT of that..

we flourished in each others strength and joy.

But July 2007 was long ago. And I am not there with her anymore.

My dear wonderful friend needs to be reminded that while those times have come and gone and will not return, there is still more joy to be had. More dances. More love. There is May 2010 to be had. August 2012 awaits!! . She has a past full of lovely, fun and faded memories, but she has a future which is golden and unlimited and boundless so long as she knows es la verdad. I wish i could be there i wish i could fix what ails her, i want to help her figure out whats missing....i think now though that she should be reminded that "it" is coming..Whatever it may be.. it's on the horizon, it's on the way, it's getting ever so closer to her right this very second.

I know in my heart when she gets whatever it is she is waiting for, it will be a long time coming. It will be worth her struggle. And it would have had to travel light years to reach her.


"Go on and let the rain pour, I'll be all you need and more..."

Tienes que tener fe...

"Beware the Wolf in Sheep's Clothing"

dudes...see that cute little sheep...?

well it may actually be...a mutha fuckin wolf..

..so stay on your toes. and remember:

its always best to listen to T T..

Acoustic Medley...

Alright calm down my little chickadees, i am back.what have we here? why its a cute little game of ketchup brought to you by the songs that play in my head. its the soundtrack to my life!! wow!! Now, lettuce go back.

"I Don't Want a Lot for Christmas, There's Just One Thing That I Need..."




I woke up in my California home. Alone. I had slept in. It was Christmas Eve. I drove to the beach picking up a sandwich on the way.

I reveled in my drive there, I loved my solitude, my sandwich was the shit, the waves crashed, I read a book, I shooed the seagulls.

I went home. I packed. I went to bed.


And then......1,957 miles..

and then....


"Home is Where I Want to Be But I Guess I'm Already There"

oh me oh my. the little house of my mothers that smells like patchouli and popcorn, where dog toys litter the floor and the heat is always too low. there is water on for tea. Diet coke on ice. the silver is polished. the candles are lit. a half of piece of chewed Nicorette on the shelf. there is the steady breathing of two dogs. there is comfort. there is quiet. there are flannel pajamas that would make laura ingalls wilder feel over-dressed. and when not one fight broke out that first night between any of us, i was quietly optimistic.. i waited for the shoe to drop. but this holiday was ..dare i say....peaceful.

Hallelujah!!!!!!!!

theses are literally the pajamas i wear at home. whatever..i dont even care they are comfy.


um, seriously how fucking cute is this? i am wearing a ring of hers that she wore throughout her hippie years. she said that ring has seen a lot of pain.... i do my best to show it some fun!

I was wandering around the house. I was listless. I was in those goddamn pajamas. I got into bed. She told me that this will always be home and how wonderful it is that she can provide me with this space and comfort and that no matter how far away I may go (or rich i may become HEYY OHHH) I always have a home to come back to.


Then I whined, "But Mom I miss you and the house already and I still have three more days here!!"
She told me, "Honey, there will never be enough of it, but you will always have plenty of it."


"In High Tide or In Low Tide, I'll Be By Your Side"

Then there are my friends. The other comforts of home. Many of them I've known for more than 15 years. I love them dearly and wish that a certain twosome would consider life out here and join La Familia: West Coast Edition .

When I came back to LA, one of my little pals in particular who came allllllll the way over here for a visit gave me the opportunity to try to convince her to move

from here



to here

like theres even a decision to make. duh.


"Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot, and Never Brought to Mind? Should Old Acquaintance Be Forgot and Days of Auld Lang Syne?..."

Did you know that "Nostalgia" is Greek for "pain from an old wound." ???

This song, traditionally sung on New Years Eve, makes me think of those times, those years that we are Nostalgic for.....that we don't want to let go of but then subsequently also hold on to pain associated with these things.you know what i mean? like you miss it and it hurts--just enough to tolerate the memory.... This song asks us if we should let those friends and lovers and times and places go go go go into the past like they often need to go..i mean the very tune of the song itself is sad painful nostalgic. but it doesnt necessarily answer the question for us now, does it? well ya'll i guess that's the choice that we are given when starting a "new" year.

im learning to really love that whole yesterday-is-history-tomorrow-is-a-mystery way of thinking. and i dont want to long for anything that i once had. i only want to be grateful that i experienced it at all.

I admittedly made several "New Years Resolutions" and if you keep them between you and i, i will share them:

no cheese
less boozin
keep working out
explore the city more!
write more
volunteer at the women's center again
take more photos
and save $$$$ for a trip to europe muthafucka!!!!!!!


That's right. No more of "I cant afford it I dont want to go alone" Bullshit. Yes I can and Yes I do. Here Here to 2010.
xoxo