I think what we all really fear is death. or maybe just the end of something. or rejection. oh how many times have i felt this sting? (well.....countless......)
pining for the ones we think we love and yet obviously don't or won't love us in return.
a job. a friend. rejects us. we fail. we hurt. we hate ourselves. we feel shame.
but for me:i feel fear. for those times in which i feel THE most happy in my life, i think, will betray me .lie to me. will leave me. we don't HAVE these times OWN these times. get to keep them for ourselves in a box in a frame in our brain untainted forever blissful. the happiness and joy may in fact come to a screeching halt and THIS is what had plagued me for years. when someone tells you I LOVE YOU NOT. WTF do you do?
I felt silly in the theater crying over this scene. It's beautiful and lovely and sexy ... and sad. WHY???
because i fear(ed) i would never have it . because i want(ed) it so badly. and i am(was) afraid if i ever DID have it it would betray me leave me wanting more like a hungry cat .its beauty pains me. and for this i have almost always associated love with pain. i don't think love is happiness. i think is fucking HURTS me. but its a thing i fear MORE that i just cant live without... and have to learn how to take the risk and know that loving may hurt. may leave me hungry. but how sweet the berry is in spring time. how rich the juice of life of love of sex and pain.
they are in actuality
and always will be
one in the same.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Monday, March 7, 2011
Genius of Love
"What you gonna do when you get outta jail?
(im gonna have some fun)"
"What do you consider fun?
(fun, natural fun!)
those hummingbirds are words pouring from my jaws. like little things. so small. so mighty. inflection.influence.incongruence.intrigue.
"There's no beginning and there is no end. Time isn't present in that dimension"
three ways to know someone. uno.the people you know that you will always know. five years. two months. one week. the same.doesnt matter. dos.those that you know like the back of your hand, like your right shoe, like your pillowcase...... for the moment. the pauses they take in the way they speak. the rhythm of their breath as they are sound asleep. the place where the food will stick in the crevasses of their teeth. and then. nothing. who are they what are they thinking of, listening to, writing about, working on. did they laugh today? are they secretly sad? do they think of you? what do they remember? and what in the world do we do with these little hummingbirds? these pieces?
why you wanna know? because of the holes in every single pair of socks that i own?
my gift from portugal. (socks are on the cheap over there) how lucky am i to have all these socks? arent they pretty? who needs diamonds? i need bunion beautifiers!
(asturias, spain. rich beauty. palpable depths.)
tres. those who are momentary strangers and yet somehow you see a glimpse of it all in an instant. you have their number, baby!
"Tell me what you think you are. who you are. why you are here."
uh...
well...
its not that easy. i mean i know myself...but to have to explain it in words.....
que diceeeee???? say whaaaaaatt?
i dare you to ask someone that you know like the back of your hand, like your fingernails, or who is a stranger or who is a sister or a mentor or someone you just met:
How do you see Yourself?
you learn .....new things.important though is what they usually leave out omit deny of themselves........what they DONT see in themselves. thats the best most revealing part. that, somehow, miraculously, you may know them better than they know themselves! {oh my gawd im in the rabbit hole arent i??? HAHAHHAHAHAH yeaaa!!!!}
They were shooting a film or something of the sort outside my apartment today. it made me miss production. i picked out the wardrobe peeps, the scripty, the PA, the DP, the grips. they are all the same everywhere you go i guess. ill get back to that shit. i know it. i know it i know it.
"Tu no hablas ingles, y yo casi hablo espanol..pero me encanta cuando hablamos."
(you dont speak english, and i almost speak spanish. but i love when we talk.)
"Y yo tambien."
(me too.)
he told me about this line ..and the three points that connect to one another to make this line. the past. the present. the future. nothing is a coincidence. where i was and where i am are showing me where i am going. i can pretend not to know to be oblivious or i can humbly accept the truth the fact that i KNOW why i am here and what i am here for and what i am. i am love.
"Stepping to a rhythm of a kurtis blow.Who needs to think when your feet just go? (Bohannon, Bohannon, Bohannon)
"Well hes the ge-ni-us of loooove"
THE GIRLS CAN DO IT , TOO YA'LL!!!!!!!
(im gonna have some fun)"
"What do you consider fun?
(fun, natural fun!)
those hummingbirds are words pouring from my jaws. like little things. so small. so mighty. inflection.influence.incongruence.intrigue.
"There's no beginning and there is no end. Time isn't present in that dimension"
three ways to know someone. uno.the people you know that you will always know. five years. two months. one week. the same.doesnt matter. dos.those that you know like the back of your hand, like your right shoe, like your pillowcase...... for the moment. the pauses they take in the way they speak. the rhythm of their breath as they are sound asleep. the place where the food will stick in the crevasses of their teeth. and then. nothing. who are they what are they thinking of, listening to, writing about, working on. did they laugh today? are they secretly sad? do they think of you? what do they remember? and what in the world do we do with these little hummingbirds? these pieces?
why you wanna know? because of the holes in every single pair of socks that i own?
my gift from portugal. (socks are on the cheap over there) how lucky am i to have all these socks? arent they pretty? who needs diamonds? i need bunion beautifiers!
(asturias, spain. rich beauty. palpable depths.)
tres. those who are momentary strangers and yet somehow you see a glimpse of it all in an instant. you have their number, baby!
"Tell me what you think you are. who you are. why you are here."
uh...
well...
its not that easy. i mean i know myself...but to have to explain it in words.....
que diceeeee???? say whaaaaaatt?
i dare you to ask someone that you know like the back of your hand, like your fingernails, or who is a stranger or who is a sister or a mentor or someone you just met:
How do you see Yourself?
you learn .....new things.important though is what they usually leave out omit deny of themselves........what they DONT see in themselves. thats the best most revealing part. that, somehow, miraculously, you may know them better than they know themselves! {oh my gawd im in the rabbit hole arent i??? HAHAHHAHAHAH yeaaa!!!!}
They were shooting a film or something of the sort outside my apartment today. it made me miss production. i picked out the wardrobe peeps, the scripty, the PA, the DP, the grips. they are all the same everywhere you go i guess. ill get back to that shit. i know it. i know it i know it.
"Tu no hablas ingles, y yo casi hablo espanol..pero me encanta cuando hablamos."
(you dont speak english, and i almost speak spanish. but i love when we talk.)
"Y yo tambien."
(me too.)
he told me about this line ..and the three points that connect to one another to make this line. the past. the present. the future. nothing is a coincidence. where i was and where i am are showing me where i am going. i can pretend not to know to be oblivious or i can humbly accept the truth the fact that i KNOW why i am here and what i am here for and what i am. i am love.
"Stepping to a rhythm of a kurtis blow.Who needs to think when your feet just go? (Bohannon, Bohannon, Bohannon)
"Well hes the ge-ni-us of loooove"
THE GIRLS CAN DO IT , TOO YA'LL!!!!!!!
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