TODAY 10/20
I started the day reviewing a text message from late last night:
"I'm at Garage Pizza. Your name is on the bathroom wall."
To which i replied:
"Awesome. just like middle school."
a few moments later...
"wow you were a "good time" number in middle school?"
"Wtf was my number really on the wall?"
"Well it was a 323....."
I had to call to get to the bottom of this shit......
i said "dude are you fucking serious? what number was it?"
"well it wasnt your number.. but it was your name."
"nice try man..it wasnt me...."
anyway, i get into work get some coffee, some yogurt, get into my office, immediately some asshole sings the Thong Song and its in my head for a half hour..... went to stage, got the morning paperwork and made the usual chit chat. i told someone my name-on-the-wall-story and she says to me "oh yeah your names on the wall somewhere here on the lot. wanna see?"
i thought " what the fuck is this? am i on candid camera?"
So she walks me to the extra's changing area a few stages over, points to a door with a sign on it that says "Rory 4-2820".....my extension...... Brilliant!
MONDAY 10/19
monday didnt matter.. i dont remember monday....
SUNDAY 10/18
whoopdie doo---my birthday. i think i willed this one to be as anti-climactic as possible. Mission Accomplished! lots of reading, shifting in my seat, listening to music, and waiting to board a cramped airplane to eat peanuts and chew the shit out of Nicorette gum. from where was i traveling, you ask?
me.music.waiting.dirty hair.pouting?
THURSDAY 10/15
red eye. LA to NY. rad. (i always think of buttholes in peoples faces when i say im taking the red eye. anyone else? no?)
FRIDAY 10/16 SATURDAY 10/17
The specific events are really actually too trivial to recount. (small talk, chit chat, who are you again?) The lasting feeling I was left with after this ...."reunion" is a different animal. To simplify it, I was sad..but my feelings are often too transitory to simplify..
The five of us.. mom dad sister brother me. All fairly strong and interesting and individual and opinionated and passionate and DIFFERENT (but so fucking similar and amazingly physically resembling) people. wonderful in our own right!!! but when we get together...... it seems that we just don't know how to act. I mean, we don't let each other be who we are. We always seem to fall back into the same fucked up roles that we think we should be acting out.... Our dynamic gets strained..pained.tense..but FUNNY too!. Old resentments expectations frustrations miscommunication arise. People get insecure.....jealous even. There's a lot of love.. but there's also a lot of stupid and unnecessary shit too.
well well well.. look what the cat dragged in..
(ive been working on this draft since monday. its friday. wtf dude just hit "post" its easy)
EVERYDAY
But there is so much more i want to say. more that i feel. dreams ive been having. control i dont have. power i am relinquishing. distance i must maintain. words i dont say. situations i cant explain. memories i revisit.
everyone has their problems. we all know this. we all have our pain. our secrets. our happy face. im not even talking about me because if you know me at all you know its hard for me to keep secrets or things that are bothering me to myself. i know this is vague... but.... i cant let my fear of other people's demons worry and distract me and hurt me like it has my whole life. i can only be me. i can only love. i can only do so much.
my brother and i got a lot closer this weekend. it was part survival mechanism, part mutual understanding. but he and i talked a lot about being objective vs. being subjective. it takes practice, but i hope that this year.... my 27th year on this planet.. that i can try with all my might to be objective.. to understand people as just people. who are all put here for reasons we dont know, with problems we dont always fix, with family we dont always know or understand or like... and with futures that remain to be seen. i will love unconditionally and take care of ME.
sorry for all the assbackward red eye butthole remarks. i love you all.
