enjoying life
oh Sat-uh-day. how do i love thee?
i woke up in the guest room at B and T's around 11... (last night was pretty chill over here but i stayed the night nonetheless....) a few of us moved a giant mirror from T's old place to her new one.....had a soy latte.. ya know, saturday shit...then i made a quick jaunt to TJ's for some BBQ supplies and met the gang back in Silverlake for a pow wow. was it too early to drink a beer? no! it's sat-uh-day and i do what i want. 5 of us prepared a wonderful lunch of ribs, chicken, salad, vegetables, and berries!!! keeping with the theme of doing what i want: i ate some ribs....for the first time in over ten years! i unwillingly have to admit that they were delicious!! (i do wish the badger was in attendance but she traveled north today for some fun with an old friend)
I think this has been mentioned previously, but this week/month marks my one year anniversary of moving from detroit to la... not only am i very happy and grateful to be here, but i am SO grateful for the group of friends i have out here. we really are our own family and i don't doubt for a second that we will all know each other for a very long time and will see each other through many amazing changes and events. everyone is napping now, sans me, who is listening to music and thinking about my life. (what else is new?)
Being single (unwedded, unattached, free, a bachelorette, partnerless, husbandless, separated, divorced, widowed, et al) only enhances the newness to my experience out here... and i have to say with all honesty: i don't mind it!!! In fact, it's something I'm really growing to appreciate in many ways. [all of my friends happen to be in relationships and we often joke that i serve as the (best) substitute boyfriend "when the men are away."]
I don't mind this time of solitude in my life because I know there is a lot to learn from it..I've been really lucky to have had the experience, more than once, of being madly and piercingly in l-o-v-e.
I understand all too well what it's like to love someone so much, so deeply, that it makes you sick..... to cherish and adore, to admire, to laugh, to be the only people on the earth that matter..sharing whispers late into the night, while gazing into another face..inches away...a love you can barely see in the subtle moonlight that seeps through your window.... i have known, too, the colder side of that coin where you learn what it is to agonize, to hurt, to be weak from that love..to be betrayed by that happiness, to hate that love...to ask if it was really anything true or real at all? or just a faraway figment of the imagination that cannot even be proven to have existed at all...
being sad sucks
I have spent nights aching for those memories, crying, worrying (uselessly) that i will never find these things again.... thinking that perhaps I already used up my chances at love when i was young......I've felt the quick pangs of hurt upon hearing that those i have once loved, and who once loved me, have moved on...who now love others more than they once loved me..enough to wish to spend the rest of their lives with one another, have children with one another. It's made me wonder: well, what the shit? what do I lack? do they laugh with each other more? love more deeply? have better sex? are they more willing to change for one another? be better people for each other?
(bjork told me "since we broke up, i'm using lipstick again")
now, i am learning...willingly, earnestly, what it is to be a-l-o-n-e. to discover that there are mass differences between being alone and being lonely. for now, i am SO grateful for the unconditional love from my friends..and for observing and delighting in the love they have for one another...
I'm almost positive that i will experience unconditional love from another again..fuck..i am probably the biggest romantic I've ever known. But for now, i love myself wholly, completely, and unabashedly.
I really do think eating meat is kinda sick..especially ribs. i mean, i haven't eaten eaten pork in YEARS partly out of principle and partly out of the fact that i said i wouldn't.
I don't think that by eating ribs today I am a hypocrite per se.....
I do, however, think that if I lost my faith in love I would be one for sure. Remember these things: that which once existed will somehow always exist, and if you are going to eat BBQ ribs, do so while listening to music and enjoying the company of your friends.
