I had the privilege of spending this past weekend with someone who has been a friend of mine for nearly 14 years. With a one way ticket to New Zealand, and a mind to see about a new life, he made his last stop in LA. Our time together really made me think about what it means to be brave (a common theme of mine you may say), about what kind of adventures are possible for us, and the possibilities of having an unconventional life. If you had the option to go anywhere in the whole world and live your life the best way you know how, where would you go? It can be a fun question to ask but what is actually interesting about it is that it doesnt have to be rhetorical.
I mean, essentially, we can do whatever the fuck we want with our lives. go anywhere. do anything. be anyone. all too often we forget this. we try not to but many times fall into the where-do-you-work-what-do-you-do thing. we find ourselves in the well-ive-been-dating-them-for-blank-amount-of-years-maybe-i-should-get-married mindset. and then its when are you buying a house? when are you having kids? or when are you having more? im not necessarily knocking getting married and having kids (yes i am) but i just think that we forget what else is out there for us because we take the path of least resistance.
I discussed many of these ideas with my old friend during our time together. the best way he could explain his plans and ideas for what was ahead of him was that he just wanted POSITIVE things for himself and his life...... more that he didn't want to live that conventional life. he only wanted to be able to say and know that he lived the best way he could and did everything he wanted to BECAUSE HE COULD.
"but how???" i asked. "you just gotta want it" he said.
i have often felt that money held me back. family held me back. the unknown/incomplete plan held me back. so i stayed tight...tried to be brave when i could.. made this move out here...and now i have learned: the jobs will be there, the money comes, i have not gone hungry, my family hasnt fallen apart without me, and i am so happy that i made a move. a few months ago my brother started to teach me to play chess. often i found myself staring at the board, over thinking shit, not making a move for like 5 minutes. frustrated, he would say MOVE! but i wanted to make the best move, to strategize....tried to remember where the pawns go.. the kings and queens.. what are thier boundaries? thier restrictions? i think now that the best thing to do when youre learning is to just move ...the strategy is a thing that you can figure out as you go.
I am so proud of my friend. I admire him immensly...watching him this weekend on the phone, making plans, saying "goodbyes", tying up loose ends, making purchases (the macbook pro was CHOICE!), reminiscing with him, BOOZING, laughing, appreciating, explaining...then there was the non-verbal communication... my obervations of the leg bouncing, the smoking, the thinking... the zoning out..the conversations we didnt have...driving, listening to music.( shit takes BALLS!!!!!) It's been some time since i felt like could really be there for someone in that way. although there have only been a handful of times over the past eight years that we have spent much time together, i will miss him even more now after being with him this weekend. as if no time had passed at all...like we were 13 again..in art class.. but i was now a woman and he now a man......
i admire him in many ways... and i will not forget that anything ANYTHING is possible here...."you just gotta want it."
shit i almost forgot. i heard a song this weekend during the packing and phone calls and the wetsuits and the macbooks and the MANY cigs.. these lyrics went in one year and didnt come out the other, they got stuck in my head and made me think that it had something to do with what was going on right in front of me:
When a girl that you knew
And the bonds that we grew
Turned into a ball and chain,
I step into the great unknown,
with a ball and chain I call my own...
(now, perhaps sublime's bradley nowell meant his own ball and chain was heroin. but for the purposes of our one-way conversation.....it should mean whatever the fuck we want it to)
Perhaps my friend's ball and chain is his need to move, to change, to challenge....maybe it's his immense desire to live an authentic life rather than a safe one. and i wish him nothing but luck and love as he steps into that great unknown...
